and i just want to breathe,
but my body is stiff and i'm sinking.
i'm not aware if this is true
and i'm falling through the clouds
or that i'm deadweight sinking into the ocean,
but this is a familiar feeling.
i dont remember the name of this,
but the description is clear.
everything is still and silent,
and i'm the only item in motion.
the only thing i see is her
and she's standing right in front of me,
with her arms extended and a phrase on her face.
"i'm sorry, lovely, but you cant catch me this time.
i'm not trying to run."
all i can ask of you is that you hold my hands and look into my eyes.
kiss me on these lips of mine.
this isnt the perfect film or a romance story,
there is no honest hope here.
there's a fire burning in my heart,
but water is taking the capacity of my lungs.
i cant even gasp or try to call your name,
i am full of fear at this moment.
i'm not afraid to die, but i'm afraid of the thought of never seeing you again.
never holding you again,
never seeing you smile again.
and i just realized that i have no one in my life to dedicate this to.
all i have is to say my last prayer and to ask for final forgiveness.

please God, i'm deeply begging you with all of my heart and soul,
forgive me for everything i've done in my life that would keep me from
getting into heaven.

even though i had nothing in this life,
i thank you for giving me this chance.

please forgive me.

shards of glass stand still as i walk into them to recieve punctures.

i'm positive that i'm going to die in a destructive way.

self destruct, or an automobile accident,

but the point of this is that i'm confessing that i'm trying to live my life

the way i should.

i am trying to find happiness,

and dont get me wrong, i've had those moments

where everything else around me stops just so i can take that breath

and realize i am happy and that a smile isnt going to kill me.

being patient is probably the only thing i am good at now.

i've been patient for far too long, and i know alot longer wont hurt.

hopefully i become numb within that period of even longer, uncalled for waiting.

i. am. waiting.

just plain and simple. like a nuclear bomb.

how do i keep this a secret?
this is the kiss that i wanted to tell.
it's been over a year,
and i believe i have the right to brag.
of course we're still "strangers"
but my patience is strong and my hope is present.

there will be another night
there will be another night.
but i refuse to write it down,
so i'll just scream it out loud.

how do i keep this a secret?
intrigued by unknown,
a solid hope.
the days will line up,
as long as it takes, i'll be here.
i suppose i'll try to stay silent in the
"out of focus" in this camera.

i committed suicide, and all i got was this stupid fucking t-shirt.

"i'm only promising the worst

because that is all i can hope for.

i'll swing here gently.

i'll bleed here slowly.

oh dear God, i can only hope for one happy breath.

i wish the air in my lungs were that of a different life.

honesty is honestly the only thing i needed.

i'm not being pessimistic,

i'm a realist and this really is my life.

i suppose i can change my mind

and walk a new path,

learn to live again.

i'm glad it's never too late to start over.
and it will all start with a brand new breath."

signed,

the corpse in the room.

one.

keep still with that rose in your mouth,
and if you move,
i swear he'll fucking cut you.

"i've been made to handle honesty,
but this is making me so weak.
dont leave me here in this hole,
i can smell hell and it's burning my toes."

past winter night(s).

"december 2002,

he remembers standing outside of her house,

the weather was cold and the night sky was just pouring.

out on the patio of her trailer-like house.

waiting for a ride home.

he remembers wearing his oversized coat,

and opening to let her in,wrapping her for warmth and just to

plant some kisses on her.

outside for about half an hour,

they just stood there

not having to say anything,

they knew it was love.

it was love.

honest love.

neither of them ever got uncomfortable."

he remembers. it was love.

the heart, a dagger.

"i've been studying myself for years,
so i know what i mean when i say i'm a plauge.
with every gasp i complete
with my back arched,
releasing my breath like that before a passionate kiss...
i should dispose of myself immediately,
destroy myself.
as long as i've been waiting to die,
time seems to only be going slower
as if i'm supposed to be here and cause pain
to myself with memories and actions of honesty and passion.
honestly and passionately,
i'm too weak to end my own life,
hope isnt what keeps me alive,
it's procrastination."

so when the lovely sky develops beautiful clouds
and that moment where nothing speaks,
he can admitt that he isnt taking life for granted,
at least for that moment.
"i suppose i'll return to this."

this isnt the day to tell me the truth.

if he screamed in pain,
to where the dead can hear him,
would it make a difference if this noise was endedby a shotgun's statement.
much like a blast,
and a hole in his head,
typical suicide,
a silly fashion statement.
he never saw honesty in the eyes that his would meetevery night in his bed.
make her watch.
boom is his closure,much better than slitting her throat.