i wonder if you ever think about me.

mouth sewn shut and hands tied together.
id rather not fight my way out of this
since i know im fucked.
all i know is what i know.

blah1

sickening more often with restlessness,
my hands placed down by the guards i had up,
and every fresh wound is more sore
than the last filled with salt.
spoken tales worth of years,
and still nothing to show the best for.
nothing to offer but confusion, ever.
best with a mouth kept shut and
a heart sewn shut.

is it normal to feel this sick so often?
my stomach is always unsettling,
like that feeling when a loved one dies,
or your heart just got broken.
i havent had a loved one die in a while,
but it'll probably happen soon.
my grandma from my dads side is in the hospital
and according to my mom, who spoke with an aunt,
she's not doing good. at all. and she's calling my grandpas name
i dont have a love in my life, but im guessing maybe thats my fault.
there was someone great, but i got lost. lost in my own
sick feelings and unhappy thoughts.
i really dont know why im like this or do or think these things.
ive never known. the way it seems, im the only person in my family
going through things like this.
actually, i had a cousin "accidentally" commit suicide.
raulito is what we called him. he was raul trevino jr.
he was on medication and i hadnt talked to him in so many years,
and i looked for his myspace page once i found out what had happened
and that kid had a good mind. seemed positive about life and also
thought about interesting things. i dont know what happened
and i probably never will. maybe we share that disorder
thats somewhere along our bloodline. his dad is my dads brother.
as full as i am because of how much i eat sometimes,
i always feel empty.
as full as i am because of how much i drink sometimes,
i always feel empty.
but in those cases, filled with drinks, i can handle the emptiness.
but sometimes, when im alone, ill shed a tear of a few.

fuck you.

it always seems like im going to be let down by the female species. always. forever. seems absolutely inevitable. it has gotten to the point where i should be more than used to it by now but im entirely not.
because i still happen to have some sort of stupid, delusional hope. i am a fucking retard for thinking things can be different this time. or the next. and the next. love is always going to be letting me down. always and forever. which is why i am choosing the road of becoming a heartless piece of shit. for life.
goodbye being a pathetic piece of shit for life. hello, being heartless.

fuck you, i'm doomed and i know it. i'll be heartless and i'll show it.

history will repeat itself and time will always be the reflection staring back at you in the mirror.